Girlfriend Come True

This was that good of something to share that I had to make an actual blog for it. None of that MS Blog crapola. I'll eventually transfer all my entries over to this one.

So I'm walking back home from the promenade, after visiting 6 different magazine places looking for the new issue of Paper (which I'm apparently in, I have no idea but I want to find out asap), its cold, my feet hurt and I'm pissed I had to go to 6 different places in 2 different cities by foot and bus for the second day in a row looking for the goddamn issue. This obviously demonstrates my level of egoism, looking "feverishly" (as the dude at the Westwood stand said) for a picture of myself in a major publication. When I think about it, I probably are friends with or at least well acquainted with probably 15-20 that have appeared in national publications for one reason or another. Go figure.

Anycrap, I'm walking back and a kindly (for lack of a better word) middle aged black guy in glasses, kinda dorky, but well spoken with a big backpack and folding chair starts talking to me at the stoplight. Of course the first thing out of his mouth:

"Boy it's cold out! Hey, you Japanese? How do you like it here in America?"
"Well, considering I was born and raised in America, I think it sucks."

Turns out he does portraits on the Pier and offered to do one for me for free if I stopped by. After a genuine apology, he hands me this:

I didn't read it until I got home, but let's translate his handwriting:

"Read the other side!"
"Smile I feel I like you! <3 <3"
"by David Liebe Hart 2007"

Now, what I love about this side is his arbitrary use of umlauts over vowels. And the drawing is some kind of unicorn sheep thing with a pig nose and maniacal grin. Now lets see the other side:

Ah hah now I get it.

"Hi you could be my girlfriend come true; I am a single gentleman interested and dating a beautiful woman such as you! If your not seeing anyone please leave your return phone number here...blah blah"

Ok, this guy obviously can speak proper English, but upon closer inspection, this card is probably targeted to pickin up Asian women on vacation. Think about it: the cute drawing, the hearts, the terrible grammer and strange word order, the umlauts, his middle name being "Liebe", German for "love" and last name "Hart" German for "Hart" its brilliant! Here's a cutesy straightforward card, in a kind of English that is probably easier for foreign Asian people to read, and women in Asia love white men so that accounts for the umlauts and Germanic uses, and OF COURSE they love cute little animals and even better that they be twisted looking (I mean, have you SEEN a horror flcik from Asia? Beyond fucked.).

This may be the new era of picking up women. Just give them a card outlining who you are and what you want and how to contact you. No more nervous conversations! No more rejections to your face! More excuses to use colored pens! Chicks love cute girly drawings! David Liebe Hart is seriously onto something!

Problem is:

Unlike Myspace and EHarmony and classified ads in the newspaper, the woman SEES you first THEN reads about you. Its kind of hard to pretend you are this loveable, snuggly, German guy with broken English when you're clearly a short, nerdy Black guy with perfectly normal English. Hey maybe it works for him, maybe he can get a nice Japanese lady who will stay with him for more than a week after she gets her citizenship. They can umlaut the days away in their ignorant bliss.

Which brings me to my next item. So I ordered all these promo postcards for KidViskous (, my baby, my jewelry line), and not until I got halfway through it that I noticed a few bonus cards in there:

WTF is this shit, I already had to wait 2 weeks to get my cards done at a place called (bastards, I hope you get overnight cancer) and now you've mixed my cards up with the fucking Mormon Tabernacle?

Holy shit, I might be right. Faith Assembly? What the hell is that? Looks like some timid midwest family (except for grandpa Hefner, he looks like the shit). It still blows my mind there really are people out there that make their Target Team Member vest into a festive snowman vest and dress as if Paula Abdul was still cool.

So what is Faith Assembly?

I guess just its one of your run of the mill Presbyterian Evangelical Unitarian Universalist Saint People of God Jesus Churches. From Orlando, Florida, ah I was wrong about midwest. They have Nickelodeon studios. Rock.

Jesus freaks, big deal, waste your life away, fine, you're the farthest away from my part of the U.S., do what you will. But then I see this banner:

Look at those faces, they're so partying it up right. Maybe this place isn't so bad. But then i see a little link in the corner on the hompage for this:

Assemblies of God Riding Fellowship and Motorcycle Ministry

Ok, plenty of Jesus freaks become that way to make excuses to sleep with little boys, or not take responsibility for anything they do, but if you're using it as an excuse for extreme sports, then FUCK YEAH!

Excerpts of their bio:

"Let your light so shine before men . . ." Off Roading situations are enough to try any saint. But when one of us keeps our cool and let's the love of Jesus shine through, well, let's just say we can have lots of fun and still be a testimony to those about us that Jesus is Lord and that Christians can have fun."
"Let’s face it. We all love to ride. And if we are honest with each other, we all love to ride in a pack. The AG Riding Fellowship offers the opportunity to ride in a pack safely with purpose. What kind of purpose? Well, let’s ride, let’s eat, and let’s fellowship!"
"Riding together is great, but sitting around chatting over hot bakery goods with coffee or chocolate is . . . well it don’t get a whole lot better than that."

So basically, you show your love of god by flipping out in your sweet BMX or doing wheelies on your kick ass ATV with "Totally Praise Him" emblazoned all over it in the KISS font. Jesus is there personally to make sure you don't pussy out. So next time you're going off the ramp in your chrome jet ski and you feel yourself pee just a little, that means Jesus is not with you dude, bummer.

Testimonials from thier 2006 rally:

“It was a time of refreshing…” Crestview FL
“Truly Awesome in every way!” Orlando FL
“It will be a weekend to remember” Orlando FL

But don't forget, although plowing through the woods with 200 horsepower inches from your crotch rules your mom while Jesus is making sure you don't shit yourself and wipeout, "it don't get a whole lot better than" chatting over baked goods, chocolate and coffee.

Leave it to Jesus to poo the party.